Throughout my entire life I have wondered about my birth family. I have always gravitated towards my birth mom. I long to know who this woman is, the woman that gave me life. I want to know every little detail about her. I wonder if I ever cross her mind. I wonder if she had hopes and dreams for me. I wonder if she questions if i’m happy. All of these things may seem like little details to most people, but to me they are everything.

My parents have always told me that I have to wait until I am 18 to try to find my birth mother. We have no idea what situation she is in and they wanted me to be mature enough to handle it. Although, I feel as though you can never be mature enough to handle extreme emotions without major support, which luckily I have. Well, I’m 18 now. Middle school me would’ve thought I would be diving head first looking into everything and trying my absolute hardest to find anyone in my birth family. The truth is, it is the opposite. I still long to know more about myself and the feeling grows bigger and bigger as I grow and gain independence, but fear as also arose.

I am terrified about what I may find. I could find out she’s dead. I could find out she is homeless. I could find out she has a husband and other kids that have no idea about me. What if I don’t live up to her expectations of me? What if she doesn’t want to meet me? What if I can’t find her? The what ifs go on and on.

I watched this documentary called “Found.” It is about three girls, who are cousins, who were all adopted from an orphanage in China and live in different parts of the United States. They took a DNA test and that is how they ended up finding each other. They then go to China looking for the birth parents, with the help of a social worker in China. They couldn’t find their birth parents, but they did find their orphanage nanny who raised them until they were adopted. They got to meet her, and it was almost like they did meet their birth mom because the nanny took care of them while they were babies. The girls had each other. They were blood. Although that doesn’t mean much, it is weird for me to think that I know no one of my blood. Family is the people that love and care about you through your ups and downs, but I just feel like there has be some special connection with someone who is your blood. I have never got to experience that connection. They understood each other. I have met many other adoptees and yet I still feel like no one can understand me.

Watching this made me want to get up and start looking for anything I could find. I want to find someone, anyone. I fear so many things and I know that once I take this road to finding someone in my birth family I may find some upsetting things. I know that once I find things, I will never be able to go back to not knowing them. It is difficult to process. I feel like I need to prepare myself for this, but honestly, I don’t even know how to prepare or if I can.

We all want a fairy tale ending like we see in movies. Reality is that my story could be the farthest thing from a happy ending. I have always pictured big dramatic meetings for my birth parents in my head when I truly have no idea what the situation could be. I know all I can do is pray and trust that God has a plan for my adoption story.

5 thoughts on “WHAT IF IM NEVER FOUND

  1. Wow Ash you are such a gifted writer that articulates your hearts hopes, dreams, fears etc., so beautifully, to the point that I felt like I’m in your situation as I read, like you transport me to your heart and that was a heavy read. So many if’s, questions, FEELINGS that are involved! My goodness!!! But not matter how your adoption story turns out, you are EXTREMELY Loved, Adored, & Supported by us ALL who know you and LOVE YOU❣️🤗❣️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ashley, your words… they were so impactful. Thank you for sharing your personal journey with us and with anyone else who decides to come along. We are all here with you and love you so much but completely understand your need to find out. Either way, you can always turn around and run into the loving arms of your Father and your family He gave you! Love you sweetheart!! Rob

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ashley,
    I wish Gods will for you. Whether it’s finding your birth mother or not. Having the deep love of your family , knowing they will always be by your side, can give you the strength to choose what you want to do. Because they have your back.

    Mrs. Jones

    Liked by 1 person

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