I miss you. It’s crazy how I can miss someone I’ve never met. At times, I feel like I need you. I think about you all the time. I often question, “Why did you do this to me?” How could you give me up? How could you trust strangers to raise me? Why didn’t you want to know me? How could you miss my first steps, my first day of high school, my birthdays, my whole life? Did you feel like it wouldn’t be worth it to keep me? It feels like you left me and didn’t care what happened to me. How could you? It’s like I have this resentment for you, but also so much love. The truth is, if I got pregnant right now, I don’t know if I’d do anything different than what you did. Through reflecting on that, I don’t blame you anymore. I don’t blame you for my complications. I don’t blame you for giving me up.

I don’t know you yet, and I’m not sure I ever will. I don’t know your name, what you look like, or where you live, yet, I still love you. I wonder If you think about me. I wonder if you wish you had done things different and kept me. I wonder what my life would be like if I knew you. It’s hard. It’s really hard. I constantly feel like a piece of me is missing. I don’t know what my ethnicity is. I don’t know why I’m so short. I don’t know if I get certain parts of my personality from you. Biological kids don’t ever question these things because they’ve always known. It’s overwhelming not knowing what makes me, me.

I’m sorry for these thoughts. I’m sorry for hating you in the past. I want you to know, I love you. I miss you. I think about you constantly. You gave me a special gift. I get to talk and connect with people some people can’t. Thank you for choosing life. Thank you for picking the most amazing family in the world to raise me. I hope you are proud of me. I hope you think of me sometimes. I hope you realize how many battles you have helped me overcome. I hope you realize that you have helped made me who I am today. I hope we get meet one day. That would be my dream.

I love you, Ashley

3 thoughts on “TO MY BIRTH MOM

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